GHOSTED IN JAPAN

Michael Machida Career Search Consultant Tokyo, Japan

As you know, I am American. I love America and Japan - as well as many other countries. I am a global traveller without borders. I enjoy worldwide cultures and it's people.

Today, I'm writing about one of Japans' cultural norms that I cannot understand 100%. And that is the Japanese cultural aspect known as: Risuku o toranai which means to take no risks or another way to think of this cultural norm as: Bunan o toru which means to play it safe.

I can understand that Japanese people generally do not like risk. Risk is risky. I got that. In business it's best not to risk spending too much money, do not risk drinking too much, do not risk talking too much in the office. Things like this, I understand.

However, when it comes to relationships in general, I am confused.

WHAT'S HAPPENING NOW

So, I have been assisting a client for the past three years with regard to business consulting. Not job hunting consulting, but business consulting. I am a consultant for TheJEGroup! where we assist global job hunters locate and secure new jobs worldwide and also general business consultation.

We were working on her project every week for three years. Sometimes we met once a week and sometimes we met twice a week.

She is a Japanese women who is an amazing women with an amazing personality and is very smart. Everyone likes her. Me too. Very much so.

We had a business relationship and it was as smooth as silk. We worked on her project with success and it was heavenly to be in her presence. We laughed. We worked. We shared our lives. We seemed to be on the way to a real friendship.

After about the second year, we were use to each others personality and traits. We worked hard and had some very personal conversations about her life problems and I gave her advice on many matters and she did the same for me as well.

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

We worked through our three year contracted time-line and she said that our time together is coming to and end. I was unhappy that our work together was coming to an end.

I asked her if she would like to stay in touch and since we both worked in the same area of Tokyo suggested we have coffee or lunch from time to time just to keep the line of communication open and to maintain our relationship. We never had any sense of a romantic notion so I thought this was within the norms of human relationships.

She seemed to like me and told me that she enjoys speaking with me and I told her that I also had a great time over the years and also liked speaking with her.

IT WAS NOT FOR HER

After I suggested we stay in touch, she agreed. I was happy. She seemed happy.

When it came closer to the day that we must say our good bys' in terms of our working relationship, I was looking forward to talking with her outside of the office. In the office we were very professional and never talked a lot about things that were too personal.

On the last day, she left the office in a natural way and we say our salutations and that was that. I thought I would contact her the next day to ask her when would be good for her to have a coffee or lunch to catch up every week or so.

I NEVER SAW HER AGAIN. NEVER...

I did receive an email from her. She basically wrote that she was out of town for a week and asked me how I was. I said I am fine and asked her once again when we could get together for coffee or lunch.

She wrote back a week later and did not answer my question about meeting, but wrote that my message was nice and mentioned that my Japanese writing ability was good. I told her that I used ChatGPT.

CONFUSION SETS IN

I decided to give her a week to get back to me with a few dates and times for us to meet. Nothing arrived in my in-box. Three weeks went by. I was confused.

After three weeks I sent a final message that basically asked her about her health. I was worried that maybe she is down with the flu or maybe COVID.

I never heard anything back. Other people who knew her told me that she is fine and working as normal in her office. I was confused.

JAPANESE FRIEND GIVES ME THE NEWS

An old Japanese friend of mine and I met for lunch. I told her the story and she told me a story.

She told me that some Japanese people will ghost you if they feel it's best for them. They take out the emotions and logically think about the situation. In other words, if there is any risk in a situation - they take themselves out of the situation and will not explain anything to you, or in this case me, of their decision not to meet me.

So, I told my Japanese friend that I asked my client if she would like to stay in touch and the answer was yes, not once but on three occasions. She said yes that she wanted to meet for sure in a happy and excited manner.

My friend then told me that my client was merely keeping the harmony between us.

I asked, she was telling me a lie right to my face?

The answer from my Japanese friend said, in Japan it's not telling a lie. It's keeping the peace between us.

Peace? How is that keeping the peace when I feel so bad? I have never been ghosted in my life, so this was a great shock to me.

And, is it not a lie if you call it part of the culture?

I LIKE DIRECT COMMUNICATION

As I said in the beginning of this article. I liked my client and we seemed to have a great relationship for three years. Never a problem. Never a conflict. We had a good time with each meeting.

However, it seems that my client saw me as a risk outside of the office. I am not Japanese. I am American. Risky?

Maybe her co-workers might see us together and think I am her boyfriend or husband. Risk?

Or, maybe I would act American in Japan. Risk?

Or, maybe. Just maybe it could be that I said something that she did not like? Possible.

Or, could it be that my client only showed me her good side in the office and was hiding her dark side?

The thinking about ghosting someone is that you will never know the real reason for telling lies and not explaining the reason for not wanting to meet up to keep our friendship going. But, were we ever friends? I think not.

I am sure there are readers of this article who think that our relationship was business. And that is understood. However, after three years of working together and sharing personal stories and giving and asking for personal advice much like a friend, I thought it was appropriate to ask to have coffee from time to time.

NEVER MADE IT TO FRIENDSHIP

Sadly, I never did hear from my client again. The friendship I thought we built over time, was not for her. However, she made every effort to make me think we had a great relationship with her smiles, her comments, and her spending a lot of time with me only.

She could have chosen another consultant to work with from time to time as she had the option of co-consultant style. But only chose me. For three years, she chose me to work with. Confused.

Now don't get me wrong. I have met many Japanese clients in Japan over the years - and we became friends. We are still friends and visit with each other often.

However for some Japanese nationals, there is a risk that we international people cannot see or understand. I lost a friend who was not a friend. But I wished we were. I miss her.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

This kind of behavior may be to save my feelings or to save face for her, however in the long run - the one who is ghosted is not only confused, but hurt and in great emotional pain as this behavior is abusive.

Is the person who ghost, cruel? Evil?

The one who is ghosted feels: Ashamed. Blames themselves. Confused. Angry. Sad. Lonely. Cannot sleep well. Lost.

The question I have for the readers is, how does the ghoster feel after ghosting?

Some say empowered. Some say they just don't care. Some say they feel guilty.

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